Caucasian
31 Years-old
Birth Father
The term "birth father" is a relatively new one for me. I had pretty much taken for granted that a father was a father was a father. However, in January of '96, when my girlfriend and I learned that we were pregnant, I began a journey that would open my eyes to a great many new things.
My girlfriend and I were both well on our way down our own individual career paths, and upon learning of the pregnancy, we both felt that our relationship was not ready to survive keeping and raising a child in the environment we would have liked to have provided. Yet at the same time, we had very strong feelings for one another, and we knew that we did not want this unplanned pregnancy to tear us apart. Thus we began the delicate process of deciding exactly what we should do.
. . . I saw the most important role for me as the birth father was to support my girlfriend in whatever decision she made. Does that mean I just sat back and waited for her to make up her mind? Of course not.
Because of the nature of our relationship, my girlfriend needed to know what I thought as well. My feelings were important to her and part of the information that she needed to make her decision.
What it all boiled down was that she did not want to raise the child (even with my help), but that she didn't feel comfortable with the option of abortion either, and that those two options gradually began to fade out, a third option - that of releasing for adoption - became clearer and clearer was the one that would be the best for her and the easiest to live with in the years to come.
Having decided what we were looking for in an agency, I returned once again to the yellow pages and decided to call one. I explained that my girlfriend and I were wanting to release our baby for adoption and didn't know what to do next. I made an appointment to have one of their representatives visit our house so that we could discuss the process and what our options were.
Shortly after the first meeting with our agent . . . we received from her an envelope of several different profiles; each one written by a couple who wished to adopt a child. Each couple told a bit about themselves (educations, occupations, hobbies, their families) and included a color photograph so that we could put faces to the names.
I found this step to be quite touching. Here are all these people who - for one reason or another - could not have children but wanted them nonetheless, and here they were looking me in the eye.
Too many people hear the term "unplanned pregnancy" and assume that it means "unwanted child." We both quickly realized how wrong that assumption was. . . .
The time finally arrived to meet the family we hade chosen. Our agent was there to act as "chaperone" . . . We were all speaking quite openly about some deeply emotional concerns with people whom we had just met, yet they were things that needed to be brought out in the open from the beginning, and we found that the frank, open and honest nature of the evening left us with a greater feeling of respect for one another. By the end of the evening . . . we were already beginning to feel comfortable around each other and we were laughing together at each other's stories.
. . . So for the rest of the pregnancy, we kept in very close contact. Not only with the adoptive parents, but with our agent as well. The parents came to Lamaze classes with us, as well as doctor's appointments, and more dinners. Our agent kept us in good spirits and made sure that the legal aspects were taken care of. . . .
. . . . It was a tearful moment when it came to say good by to the new parents and the little girl we'd helped to create. We'd become good friends and we miss each other very much. Yet the time we'd taken to get to know them helped us to feel secure in the knowledge that we'd done the right thing not only for the baby we'd brought into the world, but for ourselves as well. . . .
High School student
Single
Bi-racial child
No other children
I was 16 when I got pregnant. I was very scared and confused. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I planned to keep my child. Toward the end of my pregnancy reality set in. Neither my parents nor the birth father were supporting me. My parents wanted me to place the baby for adoption. Honestly, I don't think the birth father cared.
I chose adoption because I wanted my baby to have a chance at life. I know I could give love to my baby, but that was it. I wanted my baby to grow up and be somebody important - have an education. I didn't have one, how would my baby? He needed a stable environment with two loving parents. The only way he would have that would be if I placed him with another loving family.
My adoption agency provided me with choices of families and supported my decision. My worker was fabulous. She was honest about the pain and reassured me that I was doing the best thing for my baby. At the same time, she wanted me to be sure I was making the right decision for me, too. When she asked that, I realized that it wasn't for me, it was for my baby. (Even though she knew that!)
I would recommend that a person planning an adoption call someone like Paula (my worker). She'll inform and support you and help you make your decision.
I won't lie. If you're planning or thinking about placing your baby for adoption, it will be the most painful thing you'll ever go through. Just remember, it's not about you anymore, it's about your baby and what's best for him or her. |
